I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last posted anything. March flew by, ugh. It’s been a rough few weeks, well more like a rough few days mixed in here and there. Although, I have made some life decisions and am working on doing small things each day to help me prepare for that change! This post is really just to ensure any of you out there that there will be more to come!!
As of yesterday, I became re-obsessed with Pinterest. SO, if you feel like following me, head on over 🙂 It’s such a beautiful space to inspire and be inspired. So until the next post is up here, pins will be pinned here.
I have a tendency to start writing and then stop. So I’m left with a lot of sentences and phrases that don’t get strung together with anything larger. Sometimes though, there is beauty in the small little things, or the small little thoughts. Here are some of mine today:
Generational sins get passed down so carelessly. Porous and permissive.
Cut the line for communion. Whoops. Jesus is my homeboy.
Craigslist tells me that
you can make big money,
make big money
writing little books
— & eBooks.
This morning I spilled my coffee,
then deleted my manuscript.
It was half a page
in notated form
with spell check turned off
because my Microsoft Word is too old for new software,
too old for new software.
So really, this morning I spilled my coffee,
then deleted a lot of misspelled words.
You sit in the sun and read —
and I make up a story for you,
like you’re a page to be read.
A light blue shirt because it reminds you of being back home
where the lake would glow and gurgle slowly to the pace of the wind.
Shorts – kahki – because it’s hot today, unseasonably hot for October —
but that’s Southern California.
You look up when a girl with a backpack on passes by.
Uncross your legs and bring one up to your side.
New Balance shoes on because you biked here.
You want to save the environment and restore the air quality, one pedal at a time.
Now you stand up.
Sweat spots linger lightly on your back.
You look down the street.
You’re looking for someone.
Sit back down.
Cough softly but not too softly because you have a tickle in your throat, not a cold.
You’re healthy and active,
an outdoors type of man.
Polite too because you move your foot out of the way, when a woman gets up to leave.
You take out an orange highlighter.
You’re reading a classic — Oedipus Rex —
or a trashy romance novel,
Steinbeck and The Grapes of Wrath.
Close the book.
Guess I’ll never know.
and hot air,
meet me for
rainfall in summer
— a foreign concept
onsets this set
of strung together circumstances.
Empty soda bottles and wine boxes,
warped hardwood floors,
and the house swayed as big-rigs swerved by
I exist somewhere in-between plastic and woman.
I feel entirely static. Like bones that do not grow, but are place within skin solely to occupy space.
Recently, I’ve been pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. Or perhaps, rather than thinking, analyzing, or worrying, I am simply allowing myself to be. I feel that I’ve been trying to take each moment as it comes and for once, to allow myself to live without worrying about mistakes.
Yes, I know there is a greater potential for hurt, disappointment and perhaps, even heartbreak. However, there is also a greater chance for happiness, joy, love, excitement and freedom!
I challenge you to take little risks each day! Even if it’s just one! Why stay stuck in your head or in your safe box? Why not, try something new and different? Let yourself experience life and all it has to offer. I promise you that you will look back one day and not regret that you did.
Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen?
Day dreaming about stifling hot evenings, wispy clouds and concerts in Central Park. That’s all for today.
“To achieve great things you need a plan and not enough time.”
I was recently complaining to a friend of a friend that being in your early 20’s sucks. No one prepares you. No one warns you like they warn you about those miserable high school years and the awkward teenage phase. In your early 20’s, for the first time (usually) in your life, there is no plan. No class to attend. Nothing really. Just you and the universe that doesn’t really know you exist.
I was lucky though, that this friend of a friend didn’t buy what I was saying even though she too was 23. She told me I needed to listen to this Ted Talk about how 30 is not the new 20. And I was like yeah, yeah I’ll do it. And it took a couple weeks, but honestly, it resonated with me in a way that hasn’t happened in a long time. Your 20’s are not a time to waste. A time to shrug off and say I’ll figure things out when I’m 30. Your 20’s are when you develop as an adult. If you want to do something, if you want to change something about yourself, there is literally not a better time to do that than now, than what I had been referring to as my “miserable 20’s.”
Anyway, the talk is only 15 minutes and I SO recommend that you listen to it, especially if you are in your early 20’s. We all need a little push and a little empowerment.
“When you are your own best friend, you don’t endlessly seek out relationships, friendships, and validation from the wrong sources because you realize that the only approval and validation you need is your own.”
Honestly, I struggle quite a bit with the idea of being a single woman. I’ve never been in a relationship, never had a boyfriend, and my dating track record is not the best. Actually, as my best friend Brooke puts it, I tend to be interested in “douche bags” and “jack-asses” and fraternity “boys.” This past year has been a pretty rough one when it comes to boys, and thus, I have found myself broken-hearted and unsure of if love is even worth it.
Lately, I’ve taken a good look at why being a single woman is so difficult for me. What it really comes down to is the belief that I am unlovable or inherently unworthy in some way. I have connected my failure in the dating world to being a failure as a person. In reality, those two things have nothing to do with each other. Seeking validation through boys and the external world has only distracted me from finding validation from the person that matters most- myself.
I believe it is so truly important and vital for us to love ourselves. I know this may sound cliché, but the ability to cultivate self-love and self-validation is essential to a happy life. If we are constantly trying to live for others, we will never experience fulfillment.
Just some musings on this idea. I shall keep you posted on how things are going.
Getting back into the swing of things is always a little tricky for me. Of course, I want to dive head first in and take on whatever it may be that I want to change but that process has been happening a lot slower than I would like lately. I want to do something, and then I don’t. Yesterday someone told me that, “Whatever’s going to come my way, will come my way.” There’s no use in worrying, because really all that “worry” is is stressing yourself out about something that hasn’t happened yet — or that already happened. It’s important to plan and reflect, but there’s a fine line between that and always thinking about the past and the future and neglecting the present.
So today, I’m going to try to get back into the swing of things. Embrace the present moment more. Recreate a routine I once had that made me happiest and not worry so much about what’s next (or try at least). And it may sound silly, but a lot of that starts with how I treat my body and what I feed it. I need a consistency and wholeness that I’ve been lacking for these past few hectic weeks.
And nothing says here’s to a fresh start of a new week than a warm bowl of oatmeal topped with sliced bananas, blueberries, almonds and cinnamon. Enjoy your week!